What Now?

My nature is to buss around, busy as a bee, head in the clouds dancing on naivete,this is the place I like it best, far above the worries of the world such as war, poverty, heartache and disease. It is not that I have not experienced these states in my life, it is I actively choose not to be affected by the hardships of the past. Looking for the positive in any circumstance and strive above all to make a positive impact on the lives of others is the way I prefer to live. I understand it is not possible to lift up others if one is dragging around moping about the worlds ills. “Be the change,” one may say. There are so many things to be grateful for and I take great pleasure in pointing them out to those who live in the fog of earthy concerns. It is on this day and others like them, my soul is hindered from reaching any altitude and it seems firmly tethered. Energies reserved for my usual whirlwind of activity that has kept me on my toes for the past twenty years have dissipated and left me deflated and empty, for the one to whom I have given my life, has grown increasing ill, and all I can think of is, “what now.”

It is not like illness is new to our family. Not me, mind you, I’m fortunate to be rather healthy, which I am grateful so I may be of the best assistance to those who need me. I firmly believe that is it our mission to make life easier for one another and serve in the way we are meant to serve. This personal philosophy developed as a child. I realized this as I write,for I was my biological mother’s caretaker throughout my youth as she was chronically ill. I too realize, that this has made me stronger both physically and emotionally to this day and caused me to adopt a new saying in the house hold when chores were issued, “everyone to their ability.” My foster sisters were rather weak and frail or just plain girly and lazy, not sure which. I elected to get in there and get the job done, no room for whining when you are trying to accomplish something, right? So wheel barrows pushed, roofing done, and endless mowing and cleaning kept things in order when hired help was unheard of. Do your work and lunch is your reward, no big deal, and it wasn’t- it was a blessed life.

Today we enjoy many luxuries including assistance for larger tasks such as fence building, power washing, and roof repair but it is out of necessity rather than choice. We enjoy the process and the pride of doing things ourselves, we have built fence, worked horses and done repairs along side our children who are now grown. While they can help from time to time with such things as putting up hay and vaccinating the horses, they have lives to live as well, and sometimes the job is too much for the two of us. It is then, Steve makes a call and its taken care of, again a blessing. But there is certain sadness that arises from time to time recognizing the shift that life sends your way as the body ages and disease takes hold. I see it in his eyes as he has made his way from the shower to the dining room table for morning coffee. Exhausted with the pain that has followed him for the last 20 years inflicted with rheumatoid arthritis, he takes a seat in front of the comfort of a hot cup of coffee. I hop up at a moments notice bright eyed , and he plans, prepares and dreads movement that will send shock-waves of unbearable pain throughout is entire body, how can this be fair. He doesn’t complain, he was and always will be a soldier, always strong. How he can be so strong for the sake of his family is beyond me.

While I love and respect my country and all the men and women who have served, I am saddened by what our soldiers endure. They say, a soldier gives their life to their country – this is more true than you think. Even if one doesn’t die on the battle field, the emotional scars they carry for decades and to their death can erode any trace of who they once were. The physical ramifications are sometimes not as obvious as a lost limb, disfigurement from fire, or being stuck in a wheel chair. Sometimes it takes years to see the damage of chemicals raining down on them during combat as with the case of my husband. Yes, he came back in one piece, or did he. The toxic chemical AGENT ORANGE was readily used during the Vietnam War where he served three years active duty in the Special Forces and as an army medic. They call him Doc. He earned the respect of all the men around him for he was a go getter, need it done, call Doc. Strong in character, body and mind still to this day, but as time would predict the body is failing because of numerous diseases caused by Agent Orange. To list his various diagnosis would take a bit of time, last count was 16 different afflictions which combat one another within the body systems because what course of treatment for one will adversely effect the other. A real catch twenty two. The most recent diagnosis is Toxic Chemotherapy Poisoning, we knew something was wrong when he had lost 46 pounds in 6 months most of it muscle mass affecting his strength and tires easily. The problem with this diagnosis is you cant actively treat it, you cant un-poison someone, you just have to discontinue the chemo and see if it flushes itself from the organs and tissues it has disrupted and destroyed and hope for strength to return. You have to consider why one was on this course of treatment in the first place and what happens if it isn’t taken. Methotrexate is the treatment of choice in fighting the debilitating disease of rheumatoid arthritis which causes chronic pain, calcification, and joint deterioration making simple tasks near impossible. His discontinued used of the chemo for the last two weeks has already aggravated his already progressed arthritis. In addition there is the added risk of the Lymphoma rising up from remission from the last 4 years of treatment and take hold once more and settle in the Lymph nodes, pulling the curtain on his efforts of fighting the good fight.

We tend to deal with stress with laughter, so as we were digesting this information and going through the mourning process all over again with this new diagnosis I interjected a new perspective- “ You take the chemo, you die : You don’t take the Chemo, you die.” How much plainer can it be than that? This, in our time of stress, actually generated roaring laughter from my husband and I, very healing. And, I added, “And if you don’t take it, and the Arthritis flares up, You wish you would die.” Again, laughter. Oh well, laughter is the best medicine, right?

We laugh, because it’s better than crying, and far better than numbness which is where I was this morning when I felt so empty. Steve has not been sleeping at night, and in turn I cannot sleep, which is hard because I need the rest to do what is necessary and he to escape the pain and mend the body. This morning he got up unseasonably early, didn’t wake me or anything but he thought a shower would help the pain, several hours and only one and a half cups of coffee later, I encouraged him to go back to bed, but the simple act of standing takes its toll as the joints have their own ideas, similar to rusty hinges. Slowly he makes his way into the bedroom and is certain the clock is running out, I cheer him the best I can, coupled with a light massage to circulate the blood in his legs hoping it will relax him enough to get in a little nap . Curling up in my chair, I return to my book with tears in my eyes hopeful his assumptions aren't right. When he gets up he feels better, as I assumed he would and heads off to the doctor to get a quarterly shot to ease the pain. Preparing to ride my motorcycle to work, I grab my socks and boots and sit down to put them on – one boot on,and I stop, the body goes numb reflecting my state of mind. "What Now?" I wonder. As I sit there, head supported by my hand looking down at my feet, one boot on- sock in the other hand and polished toes staring at me waiting for some action, but I couldn’t move, didn’t want to move- I wanted to feel , feel the pain, mourning the loss he feels unable to do some of the things he so enjoys, mourning that one day, not sure when, I would be with out him and stuck – in this weird state one boot on, one boot off- wondering, "What Now?"