The Making of Me

The  I don't know where this mentality came from, perhaps when I was a child and homeless, the uncertainty of tomorrow made me appreciate the moment to its fullest. In that effect, I am grateful.

 Perhaps being ripped from the arms of my biological mother for neglect at the age of 10, and placed in foster care this uncertainty was locked into my psyche.  I  longed to feel safe and secure. After sitting alone in a room at DFS for several hours , I was placed in an elderly woman's home along with six other children who's beds lined the walls of the back room devoid of personal belongings.  It seemed more of a group home, than a home. Strict rules, chores, and  schedules keep order which is fine, but one day I was surprised to see  my belongings and a woman in a red business suit, in the front yard awaiting my return from middle school.  The mystery woman was a DFS worker who was there to place me in another foster home. When I asked her why I was being moved she told me that Mrs Lee thought she thought she heard me say a curse word ,while washing the dishes the night before. The reality is, I wasn't cursing, and though the move was unexpected, unfounded and traumatizing it was the best thing for me.

  After a about a year, I began to bond with my foster mother and the other long term foster kids in the home.  I still wondered if I would be moved again if I misbehaved- so I was the model child - I applied myself at school , went above and beyond what was expected when doing my chores . I longed for order in my life.  I   scrubbed years of grime from the moldings, straightened and preened - I was I think trying to take over the household as I had when I was with my biological mother, because she was unable. Perhaps that is where my since I must be in control comes from.  While I have the desire to be in control,  there is still a part of me that reverts back to the child that I never was, longing to be taken care of and the decisions to be made for me.  I continue to look for my voice- long to speak up- ask for what I want and in some cases demand it.  This daily struggle is apparent when asked something as simple as, what do you want to do today?  I find myself second guessing what the other may or may not want to do- rather than answering the simple question.  The fact is - most of the time there is something in particular I would like to do- but don't speak up- and as a result I devalue myself , my needs and desires.  You know the old adage - ask and you shall receive,  well, maybe that isn't always true, but you have a far greater chance of getting what you want when you do.

 Its quite liberating when you start to think of your own desires rather than that of another.  Just like last night, my husband and I went to Joplin, the nearest big city 45min away, to shop for a computer and ended up hanging out all day.  We looked at bicycles and had lunch with our son and did a quick stop for a Christmas gift and it was time to head out for my husbands band practice in the neighboring town in the evening.  Initially the plan was I would take my computer and have a coffee and write a bit. But with Christmas upon us a little shopping was in order.   I actually spoke up and suggested he just drop me at the mall and I can look around and he could come back and pick me up. And of course he was happy to.  Weird , Huh?  All it took was me to speak up. It was wonderful to get a little shopping done at my own pace.  This is something I need to do more often- not just shopping , but to just take a little time for myself.  Seems silly to say when I have my own business and get to paint for a living - but to have the freedom to just wander a bit or  have lunch with a friend is relaxing and food for the soul. I'm still a work in progress, much like my paintings , they evolve- layer upon layer each influencing the next until you have that "eureka !" moment and it all comes together and you find peace.