So as we approach Mother's Day I can actually feel whole again. For so long this time of year in my adult life sent me into a deep depression for I was a motherless child- as one may say. Estranged from my biological mother from the tender age of 9 until her death a few years ago- I always longed for a life and relationship I could not have. Intellectually I know that being placed in foster care was literally a life saver - because what I was given was a wonderful mother- my foster mother- Janie. She taught me how to be a mother, she was always there for me and the other girls, from teen angst to real life altering traumas in our distant past. She listened- counciled - and loved, unconditionally. We were her girls- the last batch of almost 90 kids she cared for over the years - all of us long term placement. We earned our placement the 1970's style console TV, where our Senior pictures remained for years. All this love, I was stupid enough to put aside for years- thinking she did her bit, and I had no claim to her. This changed about five years ago- when I realized - you never stop being a mom. And I called her up- and she choked on her tears saying- "You've always been my girl," " I have always loved you." A conversation that lasted a couple hours mended any lost time. My regret is that I denied my children of a loving grandmother for they never knew her. But I'm sure if we showed up - her home and arms would be open to them and all they hold dear.
Prior to reuniting with my foster mother and receiving the ashes of my biological mother - with a hole the size of Texas in my heart my my daughter approached me a couple days before mothers day- asking "You ok?". She was about twelve at the time. Through stifled tears, I hug her so deeply, knowing that I guess I have done ok as a mom- to raise a child that is attuned to one in need, especially ones own mother. The guilt of allowing what cannot be to disturb my happy go lucky nature,washed over me once more. Shaking it off- I emerge, knowing that there is no way in hell I would be able to stand a life without my children- nor should I deny my mother, Janie- the opportunity to share my life- for there is nothing like a mothers love.
Tip......The best Mother's Day Gift - a hug. I'm sending two- today, one across the miles and one to beyond this life. To my two moms - thank you for loving me.
" Across the Miles" a new painting depicting the mystery of the Northern Lights - the creation of this piece just flowed effortlessly - much like a mothers love.
To my now grown children- I will always be there for you, your hugs are priceless and your smile brightens the world. Happy Mothers Day! You are my gift.
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