Searching

The once familiar keyboard, seems a stranger to me.
This mystical world where thoughts are thrown like dice
to see where they land, now seem cumbersome.

The tactile nature of the keys
as I slowly familiarize myself once again
start to find their place
giving me energy.

These writings once appreciated my many
now lay fallow in past months
In part by neglect
In part by fear.

Reserved for truth
these pages,
Something currently
held so close that even I
cannot bear to face,

Two sets of wedding bands
now adorn my hand
I turn them
and caress his ring

This is the truth
that I cannot yet bear
I am here,
and he is there.

Adrift, now I feel,
as the wind carries me
Tears adding to the waves of emotion.
I set my course
for dry land, where I can firmly stand.

My heart aches
tears fall
laughter returns
numbness sets in

stomach turns
anger rises
joy overcomes
searching
Longing

Eyes fixed
cold overcomes
mind is empty
thought now racing

A day at a time they claim.
Each hour, different than the next.
Keeping busy
Must rest.

Feeble attempts
at the person I was before
finding a place
in my self, ready to restore.

Filling my body
where my soul once was
with nutrient rich food
walks on the beach and the warmth of the sun.

Quiet is deafening
Music fills and destroys
emotional tug of war
no one wins

finding peace
hating myself for it
stewing in what was
what would have been
hating my self for that

Doubt, self pity, emotional wreck
Bright skies, grounded
beauty returns
colors burn brighter

Burden to friends?
Blessed by them....
Apologies for being needy
Finding strength in sharing
An inspiration I have been called
I'm still searching ......that is all.



pride of carrying the torch....
wondering where I put the light....
finding the spark that was......
now burning bright.

Fear of the future,
excitement of what is to come.
The love of my life
is the one that won.

He has lived,
served fellow man
was loved by many
now at the fathers right hand.

The physical pain lifted.
The soul now restored
from the conflict within
The soldiers burden no more.

If he could speak
in those final hours
he would say
as he often implied

Take my eyes
So I may see
Take my heart
That I may feel
Take my soul
That I may be free
Take me that I may be
Restored in thee.

There is no doubt
that you have found
the light.
Be whole my love.
Farewell till we meet again.

Slinging Paint

RASH the Jellyfish   BUY

As the years go by in my cozy studio and gallery, I get lost in the glorious action of slinging paint, finding meaning where once was only white canvas. As a multi-media artist there are so many creative pursuits that I feel compelled to utilize to tell life's story or just share a bit of joy with those who so desperately need it.  The drive to create is rather primal, and the experience visceral,  I am drawn to it like a moth to the light, sometimes to my detriment leaving me exhausted and refreshed at the same time.   I know as I'm getting older myself, I have only so much time as well, so I am driven like I haven't been before. What ever the chosen medium of the day, I find myself lost in it, hours go by, and with it, time for lunch or a much needed nap.  The desire to enter into this other realm of consciousness through whose door can only be opened through the right brain,  is so strong that many can not begin to understand. The music, the flickering candle and the smell of incense, begin the opening of the mind, from there its a higher power than I that takes the helm. As I try to redirect my busy mind , I  meditate  or read voraciously on obscure topics and  elements  in the natural world and spirituality, these activities seem to just feed the need to create . When deep in the process, a euphoria takes over , much like a runners high when you break through the barrier.    Visions, ideas , concepts, the desire to make a connection between souls,  I cannot escape it , it follows me everywhere, and wells up like steam in a kettle waiting to be released.  These ideas explode directly on the canvas if I'm lucky enough to be at the studio or if unavailable onto the pages of my sketchbook where they find new life next time I’m in front of a canvas or hunk of clay. I’m so blessed that I can share this enthusiasm with my husband and he smiles and loves me as if I had been at his side all day. I couldn’t have had a more blessed life. And on that note, it is time to just be….gone fishing .

The Universe Within

The desire to attend the Body Worlds exhibit began a couple years ago when it first came to Kansas City. As we walked the halls on its return to the area yesterday, I’m glad we made it a priority as it was a time of reverence and reflection. My initial reason I wanted to view it was because of my interest in the human anatomy and how it may pertain to its representation through my painting. I have studied anatomy books for this reason and keep this structure well in mind while constructing a nude sketch from memory or creating a sculpture. An awareness of the way the body moves and the structure of bone and muscle plays an important part in my work, but then there is the soul of the piece as well. It is the soul, the shear magnificence of the body in which we inhabit is something in which I have always been in awe. The complexities are so vast it seems to be a universe unto itself. This awareness is something I thought many overlook and take for granted. But this was different. There was a quiet reverence and appreciation on a higher level than any other museum experience other than that of the Australian War Memorial. Those who attended were participants in the experience as they looked on to each exhibit with curiosity and fascination seeing themselves at the same time. 

Darkened halls and soft music along with illuminated larger than life banners revealed the of the faces of society, young and old, along with quotes from philosophers, entertainers, artists set the tone. Perfectly preserved plasticized human specimens demonstrated the difference between good health and that of the diseased body, throughout the life's cycle from an embryo through old age. Each visitor connected on a primal level as they walked with a silent awareness. Beyond my own personal connection I couldn’t help but notice how so many others responded. A young medical student peered into a cross-section of the brain of a standing figure, another marveled at the strained muscles of an athlete in full stance. Standing over a display case of a translucent lateral section of the torso, a middle age woman was amazed at the amount of fat around the heart and in the liver of an overweight specimen, as apposed to that of healthy one. A cluster of adolescent youth observed these intact human specimens including reproductive organs on full display without one giggle in reference to them. An occasional whisper of a family discussing an exhibit of an ailment that personally effected a family member, gaining new understanding followed by a moment to reflect on how precious and fleeting life is.

This traveling exhibit of real human specimens has traveled around the world reaching millions of people. Each visitor seeing it through their own lens, shaped by their own experiences. One thing brought to mind was the display of human fetuses at each stage of development and how this may in the eyes of our youth change the way they may see and value human life when the time comes to their own reproductive responsibility and impact those who have halted this amazing creation of life. From as little as five weeks the size of a large pea and the rapid growth to thirteen weeks the size of a walnut on throughout the development until the time of birth. As I walked through the first hall large screen showed the amazing process of conception and the rapid cell division that occurs and the beginning of life through time lapse photography. In a short time a fetus is formed and simultaneously the beginning of our end. Each time a cell divides, we approach our own mortality, for cell division and growth can only continue for so long. For some individuals that can mean a life reaching well beyond one hundred years, for others the body wears out, cells die and we begin to decay from the inside out far before our actual time of death.  Each body system working in perfect unison like a well oiled machine, but if there is one system compromised the rest of the body suffers and a spiral effect downward can occur. For those who have stood at a loved ones bedside  in the ICU, accompanied them as they pass from this realm into another,  battled cancer, or a number of other diseases, know how resilient as well as fragile, are these vessels we inhabit.  

Anyone who continues to see beauty never grows old.  Franz Kafka  1883-1924

Age is an issue of mind over matter, If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.  Mark Twain 1835-1910

We do not see things as they are; we see things as we are.   The Talmud

A man must have grown old and lived long in order to see how short life is.  Arthur Schopenhauer 1788-1860  German Philosopher

To know how to grow old is the master work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living.    Henri Frederic Amiel    Swiss philosopher , poet and critic

Imagination is more important than knowledge.  Albert Einstein 

 Check out this amazing look into Body Worlds ( click link to see video)