Jul 2, 2011

August Never Came


What started out as an afternoon on our motorcycles and ice cream run, turned into a moment I won't forget. Just as I was sitting down with my treat of black walnut ice cream I get a phone call. Its my foster brother whom I never talk to but in passing the phone to my mom. The connection is terrible but through the breaks in the message I start to cry as I learn my mothers health is on a steady decline and not sure if she will make it though the night. I poke at my now soupy ice cream- lost knowing things have changed forever. A misdiagnosis the week prior landed her in the hospital and rendered her septic with all of her organs failing rapidly and falling deeper into a sleep from which she would not return. A morphine drip keeps her comfortable. I yearn to hop a plane but scold myself that I hadn't gotten the courage to do so before time ran out. I had planned to go in August- but August never came.

There was always something it seemed - lack of funds, need for me here, no time- all shallow excuses for my lack of courage. I could have found the money- made the time, but I didnt. I love my mother dearly, beyond measure and it was this guarded new found relationship with her over the phone that I found safe. All I wanted was to give her a hug- and I missed that opportunity because she passed before I had chance to press past this feeling of needing to be safe. I'm not a cautious person- if its exciting or challenging - Im there. But in the case of my emotion - there is a bit of a barrier I build shielding me from harm. Over the next day or two I struggle wildly over whether to book a plane ticket and then time runs out.

As I mourn my mothers passing I find myself lost in an emotionless trance as I pass from one stage to the next- I pull mindlessly at the fibers of an Indian blanket our dog had chewed a hole in. I wrap this cotton fiber around my right ring finger a couple times, just playing with the now loose fiber. After a couple minutes this fiber is now tied neatly around my finger noting this moment of deep loss. This seemingly fragile fiber ring has stayed on my finger for three weeks now, as I look at it,im comforted in some way. I added a handmade ring next to it which has a double knot around two amber colored beads a couple weeks ago thinking the string ring wouldn't last but it has. Last night we went out to dinner and I took off this String Ring and placed it in the bottom level of my jewelry box- not sure why or what it meant but I felt better and worse at the same time. I love you momma. She knows, I remind myself, I have told her countless times- for that I have no regret.



On my mothers shoulders I stand

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